I hate it when I cant get out of my own head. I think most of my insomnia problems lie with the fact that I am always thinking..about the future…about the past..and lately about the present, specifically one person in the present.
I am not gonna lie…my dating history is pretty nonexistent, definitely not for lack of interest but more to do with my crippling social anxiety and the fact that I was so out of place in high school I probably couldn’t of even gotten a date. I have had crushes before..most of them were just fleeting “wow she sure is pretty” ones. Because I had no “game” as they call it that was usually the extent of everything. The biggest crush I had on anyone in school was Katie Newbold in 7th grade..but I had to move after 7th grade because of my moms death and I probably would of never gotten a chance with a girl like that anyway (i also had crippling self confidence issues).
Lately though I have felt like I was back in high school though..at risk of this blog post sounding like a high school girls diary..i just dont care because its my blog and I can write whatever I damn well please. I have a major attraction (we will call it that to sound more adult) on someone I met about 5 years ago through my friends ex girlfriend. She is probably one of the most interesting people I have ever known, and her and I are a lot alike, from our music interests to some of the problems we deal with in everyday life…and this is the cause of my insomnia. She has a blog as well and I read hers from time to time and I feel like I have grown to know a lot more about her…and how eerily similar we are.
We do hang out every once in a while, but we have not lately…she has been sick and unable to and all that does is make my mind go through all of these absurd ideas that “she is avoiding me” or “giving me the runaround”. Knowing her as a friend I know this isnt true but my mind is a crazy mother f#$ker. Honestly even if nothing else ever happens between us all I really want is to become better friends with her…go to the barcade and play arcade games and drink cheap beer and shoot the shit, or go to a show at a local bar every once in a while
also texting is a awful invention…and the fact that it is the main method of communication (outside of social networking) is awful…you cant tell how someone says something through text and when there isnt an immediate reply all your mind does is give you the runaround on why there is no reply…and then it comes hours later and you are afraid to look at it..even though its probably nothing
back to my earlier topic..my mind is pretty messed up..I go to her place of work and if she isnt working I just walk out…not in love, I think there has to be a lot more than that for love, but a deep attraction, a secret crush (though my best friends know)..and it keeps me up at night…ahh that sucks!!!!!